The Unwanted Presence

It was the spring of 1993. I was at home and sitting  in my bedroom on my bed reading. The day was spent and night was falling. The sun was setting and the room had that wonderful warm evening glow coming in from the windows.  My favorite time of day. There was a dim light from my bedside table providing just enough extra light for reading. I was deep into one of the last pages before I was going to quit for the night. When all of a sudden  I saw something move to my left near the bedroom door.

I looked up to see something that was almost unbelievable to me. Standing there in my bedroom doorway was my Mothers Mom,
  my Grandmother! 
That was such a shock to see I can tell you. She had been dead for a few years at that point. How could she just appear here in my doorway? And why? She was just standing there. Not smiling really, just looking at me reading on the bed. It was an odd glare.

 

I wanted to smile and welcome her, that was my first notion, but then I thought to myself, NO way!

It came to my thoughts that while she was alive she had caused so many uncomfortable scenarios for my Mother and myself. She was always a harsh woman towards my Mom. I never heard my Mom share loving memories of my Grandmother. It seemed as if whenever my Mom needed her she was never there for her. She had been less than loving towards me as well for most of my life.

I figured my Grandmother must have had a rough time of things herself, but I could never understand her being course with me about it. I did not contribute to her life issues, why treat me so cold?  She had treated my Mother horribly while my Mom was young. My Mother often shared with me sad stories about feeling lonely and un loved by her Mother. She had many bad experiences at home with siblings and her Mother would chastise her and not the others. Her memories were always so sad. It broke my heart to hear those stories. Yet my Grandmother was so kind to her other daughters and their siblings. It was a painful undertow at every meeting with her throughout my life.

 

So as I saw her standing there the first words out of my mouth were NO! Oh NO!

You don't come to me like this I thought! Why are you here I screamed out at her? Are you here to ask for my apologies, for the misery you spread around? To say how sorry you are for the way you treated my Mother in this life? NO, I screamed!
I looked at her standing there as I was literally yelling at this ghost in my doorway!

I continued yelling, "Your choices here are done, they are OVER"!

I don't want to discuss any repentance with you now!

Shame on you for hurting everyone. Shame on you for causing so much sadness!
I sat straight up and threw my arm out and pointed at her and said loudly

GO, GO NOW, go away from me. DON'T return here!
 

I watched my Grandmother standing there dressed like she always had the whole time in human form while I was yelling all this anger towards her from my heart. She was wearing a dress I had seen her in while she was alive. She didn't have her glasses on, but she was a bit overweight still and old looking. Her skin hung on her face as it did before she passed at 96 years old. She wasn't at all what I would have thought someone from the other side would look like. She looked lonely, sad, and distressed.
She was looking down at the floor now, she would not make eye contact with me once I yelled to go away.

She was very certain I was so angry with her!
 

All the hurt, all the loneliness she caused, all the agony she spread, the unapproved glances she gave and the distance she kept from those who loved and needed her, was not O.K. with me.

The worst of it was that she would always throw her cheek up and over to the left for us to kiss as we would come to visit her as if to say, come kiss me and then go sit down and shut up! She didn't smile, she wasn't warm and I never liked her judgmental stares. Who would? She never drew me out or asked me questions. There was no love, no concern shown towards any of us children. She never included me in any of her conversations. It was clearly as if I didn't even exist and she always made my Mom feel so uncomfortable.

How dare her come here now, interrupt me reading my good book and ask what of me?
I just wanted her out of my house!
 

The truth is I had no idea why she came and I wasn't about to let her tell me. I knew deep down in my heart this time was NOT the right time to make any amends with me. It was not a proper time. But when is? I just wanted to unleash all that at her to let her know what I felt for a change. I never had the opportunity to tell her while she was alive. I was always so kind and loving towards her. I respected her because my Mother told me too. But these were my terms now. I wasn't ready to hear what she had to say.

 

Her apparition began backing out of the room slowly as she continued to look straight down at the floor. She did not look at me again, and after a few moments, she simply faded away right before my very eyes! That was a bit freaky. But I was glad she was finally gone.

 

I got right on the phone and called my Mother! I told her Grandma was just here, (imagine her shock hearing that)! She gasped as I told her. I told her everything that had just happened. I told her how I shouted at her and shamed her. I could hear my Mom crying through the phone. I said, Mom are you crying? Why are you crying? I didn't let her say anything more to hurt you or I! I let her know what a witch she had been in this life time. I threw her out of here! Just like she always shut you and I out. 
 My Mother then spoke very softly through her tears and said, "Teri, why didn't you just at least let her tell you what she was there for"?
 

I got real quite, I started searching my soul for that answer. I didn't have one.  I was so preoccupied with my own pain and anger towards my grandmother.  I didn't  consider why this woman had come to me in the first place. Where had she come from? How did she get here? I never even considered asking here that.

Call me crazy, but it just seemed like the right thing to do at that moment. After all, how am I suppose to know how to act when the unexpected happens? Where's the rule book? I could clearly see what my Mom was trying to relay to me. Kindness should have come first. It was my first thought, briefly. But I was not able to be in a kind place at that moment. I had hoped my Mom would have been proud of me and understood. She did say so, as to comfort me, It's O.K. Teri, you did what you had to do, perhaps she will come again later in life? Now she knows how she hurt you first hand. Maybe she will have some growing to do herself, wherever she is?
 

It's been many years since my Grandmother dropped in to see me. I think I'd finally be ready to address her. The jury could still be out on that, but I think I am ready.

Isn't it odd this life? What with the spiritual always knocking at your door and then just the normal daily routines of life mixing in, we never know what is just around the corner.

We truly are spiritual beings on a human journey!
Walking each other home.